So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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