I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
