Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
