You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
