in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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