don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
