Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
