We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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