I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
