you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Terrible idea I love it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
