I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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