YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
