between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mom said you looked used
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.