This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
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Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.