I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
