Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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