I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
