i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
