This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
