well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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