you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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