I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo