Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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