Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
