The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
