I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
