I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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