dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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