my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
