omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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