it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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