also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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