you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
