i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
