just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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