conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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