i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Who died my cat blue again?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
