And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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