Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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