I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
