yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
