sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
