It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
