after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
