Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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