I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
