The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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