You're my little dorito
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
