glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
