Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
