He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
babies were throwing up all over the place
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
