i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
