WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
