RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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