I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
