Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
