I faked an abortion last night.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
