I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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