Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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