i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
